Are You the Rose or Thorn in a Black Man’s A- -?

By Bene Viera

I really do love Black men. While I criticize them at times, it does not negate that love. However, sometimes, as women, we are so harsh in how we discuss our feelings and misgivings about Black men, we forget how much they are beaten up in every other aspect of life.

More than ever our men need loving women.

For about the past two to three weeks, my boyfriend’s mother and I have had a daily routine of talking extensively via BBM. In one of our conversations we discussed the struggles that Black men have to face in corporate America, higher education, and life in general—struggles that are sometimes foreign to Black women.

*Caveat: This is not an open invitation to start debating whose plight is harder. That is counterproductive.

Black men are expected to be walking stereotypes in society. It’s not just the sagging pants, hat cocked to the side, cornrows to the back brother who non-Blacks fear.

The biggest threat to non-Blacks, Whites in particular, are educated, articulate, and successful Black men.

In everything they do, regardless of their achievements, they are expected to fail. When they excel despite all of the odds, their devoid-of-melanin colleagues, bosses and professors will usually go out of their way to make sure failure is inevitable.

Visualize a Black man dressed in a suit being one of the only brothers in a Fortune 500 company. He’s more articulate than his White counterparts. He has more experience and earns more than his counterparts because of that experience. Day in and day out he’s dealing with the good ol’ boys that think the office is a plantation, instead of the 21^st century where a Black President is semi-running shit. They start with the childish games by praising him to his face while dogging him out behind his back. Next—the psychological games of critiquing all of the work he’s done when he is actually doing a superb job. Finally, they steal his ideas and present them as their own, attempt to prove him inadequate in meetings, and dole out inappropriate subtle racist comments.

Every single day a Black man walks around in a world where he is reviled, expected to fail, and seen as a useless individual destined to be nothing more than an unproductive citizen.

So imagine carrying such a burden, then coming home to a woman who has an attitude, is unsupportive, unappreciative, or constantly on his case about [insert any number of things women nag about]. Note: I use nag loosely because I think it is overused. Anytime a woman addresses an issue that makes men uneasy, she is said to be nagging. But the fact is . . . there are women who nag.

Men are sensitive. I know it goes against the heteronormative ideals of masculinity, but it’s the truth. And having a woman who they actually care about and love tear them down along with his everyday pressures, can be unbearable.

I’m not saying as women we should silence the valid concerns we have about our men as a community, or those in the relationships we are in. However, I am saying we need to wrap some of our voiced concerns in a lot more love.

Telling a man to do something and encouraging him to do something are completely different, and will always be received differently. It can be as simple as, “Babe, I know you’re unhappy in your job. I found a few positions I think you would do great in. Do you want me to send them to you?” As opposed to, “You’re always complaining about hating your job. Hell, you should be looking for something else so you can quit.” Essentially, the concern is the same.

Once women realize how much weight they really hold in the lives of Black men, there will be better understand why uplifting, encouraging, supporting, and being down for men can make a huge difference in a his success and demeanor.

As a woman, you can determine if a man—whether it is your brother, son, husband or boyfriend—leaves the house with his oyster knife sharpened, or if he already feels defeated before his feet have hit the pavement.

I suspect that some men will not agree that a woman has that much power. But I also suspect that a great deal of men realize how influential a good woman is in a good man’s life.

I hope Black men understand that even through our gritted teeth, griping, and constructive criticism—most Black women care. Otherwise we would not be so hard on you. However, some Black women must recognize that their approach only contributes to the beating our men already receive from society, and that it can make it nearly impossible for him to face the world.