Defining “Settling” VS Being “Too Picky”

Lately there has been much hype over successful single Black women being too picky and demanding in their quest for love hence the reason why they are single. In response to being labeled “picky” or “asking for too much”, these same women claim that they should not have to “settle” for a brother who is unqualified or unwilling to love them as they deserve. Up until this point I have stayed relatively quiet on the subject but I honestly think that some people are confused over the true definitions of being “picky” versus “settling” when it comes to love. I also think that although there are some women who might be all too picky when dating, there are also some men who use the term “settle” in order to not give their all in a relationship. They come into the relationship with the idea that women are too picky so they already have their line of defense up towards some of her wants and desires, and label them as being unrealistic as their reasoning behind the defense. No need to run around in circles with your dunst hat on in confusion. I am here to break it down for you and to let it forever be broken down.

You’re Being TOO Picky

This is usually in reference towards women and their list of qualities that they desire in a man. A’ la Chilli from VH1 style. This line has also been thrown around a lot lately in regards to the “po , lonely, BUT successful Black woman” that the media is having a field’s day with”, there are two sides to this dilemma. Yes there are women who have unrealistic wants and needs in a partner. Some of them often want qualities that they are unable to give. For instance they may want his body to be chiseled and for him to work out regularly but they only pass a gym on the way to McDonalds. Or they may desire a man that is giving and unselfish but they themselves are self centered and too immature to appreciate a giving man, so they label him a “sucker” or “lame”. See the paradox? They have expectations of something that they themselves are not ready to give or fully appreciate. This is the true epitome of being “too picky”.

Girl Don’t SETTLE

Then there is the idea that the man is supposed to meet every single characteristic that they envision their Prince Charming to be. This is where the label “too picky” really plays a significant role. News flash, Prince Charming died. He was run over by a bus. There will never be a man who embodies every single personality trait and physical attribute that you desire. Never. So what is a “po, lonely, BUT successful Black woman” to do? The most REALISTIC approach is to decide which characteristics you absolutely cannot do without in a partner and which ones are negotiable. This requires some soul searching. You have to be realistic about what matters to you the most and what will still matter to you ten years from now. If a person, man or woman, does not take the time to do this honest soul searching then chances are they will look up at the their partner with disgust and regret, thinking that they…. Queue the eerie music.. Duh Duh Duh! “SETTLED”. (shutters)

When Too Picky Equates To “I Don’t Want To Try”

Ahhh but fellas you are not off the hook so easy. No, no, you play an equally important role. Yes women have been generalized as being too picky for centuries when dating and even possibly crossing over into being unrealistic but you are not without blame. See, as I mentioned earlier there are some men who assume that most women are too picky. This is ingrained in them from the time they start dating and only continues to manifest itself as he ages. So this gives them leverage to never give 100 percent into maintaining a relationship, being on their best behavior, or loving someone right. They figure why try? I will never meet her expectations. It is almost an excuse for SOME men to put in a half ass effort when dealing with their woman.

This is how the term “settle” got its ugly reputation among women. This word is thrown out as the first line of defense by men who give women advice on love and is intertwined with the phrases “you are being too picky” and “you are asking for too much”. Eww Double burn! This pisses women off! They are tired of hearing this and it immediately makes our line of defenses come up once it is uttered from anyone’s mouth, especially a man. Even the slightest inclination towards the words pisses off women.

Settling VS Being Realistic

In reality what is missing is balance. You see, instead of saying the word “settle” or the phrase “you are asking for too much” what should be discussed between the man and woman is what are your expectations versus what I am REALISTICALLY willing to give and vice versa. There has to be a median in order for everyone to be happy and not feel as though they are giving too much or that the other person expects too much from them.

With that being said, fellas, hiding behind phrases like “you are asking for too much” or “you expect too much” is certainly a cowardly approach. This simply gives you the green light to never put your big boy pants on and give as much as your woman deserves. It is a tool of manipulation because after hearing this so often, some women start to believe that perhaps they are asking to much when in reality they may be asking for what they deserve and no more than they are willing to give.

Ladies, now that you got the news that Prince Charming died (refer to paragraph #3) you can take the time out to define what traits are most important to you and which ones are negotiable in a mate and let that be your compass when searching for your Prince Perfect For Me (notice I did not say Prince Good Enough). Both men and women can take a healthy dose of realism. What are you expectations from love?

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